The Trying and the Trier

I… Am both of these. 

I can be a very, and I mean VERY, trying person. I can talk too much, annoy everyone I meet, be too pushy, too loud, too hyper, too passionate, too emotional, too sensitive, too dramatic, too clingy, too sentimental, too obsessed with cats…you get the picture. 

I can be a lot of things that try a person’s patience with me. Usually, my actions are backed by good intentions that just couldn’t quite match the train with the tracks. This often makes situations tougher than they have to be. Story of my life. Other times, I can just be difficult. No good intentions. I’m simply being the selfish, imperfect human I am. Regardless of the reason, it has always played a big part in the “going” scene of the saying, “People come and go in your life.” 

However, if there’s one thing I do as much as, if not more than, trying others, it’s trying myself. I mean, actually trying. As in effort.

 I spend a good bit of my life giving my all in some areas. (While others could stand a bit more of my effort and attention. I’m getting there, ma. Promise.) I try really hard to please a handful of people. I try to be smart. I try to take the blame for others mistakes if they affect me, so that they won’t feel guilty. I try to mask my own pain and sadness so others don’t have to feel so bad. I try to act like something doesn’t bother me when really, it’s killing me inside. I try to apologize just so things won’t get worse even if I didn’t do anything. I try to paint well. I try to eat healthy foods. I try to get a grip on my life and make it better. I try to do too many things at once. I try to be social instead of introverted. (Ps. That’s an astronomically difficult thing to do most of the time but I still try.) I try to be selfless. (Again, difficult.) I try to be friendly to people who are different. I even try to think kind thoughts about my enemies. (Chalk that up to yet ANOTHER very hard thing to do.) 

I fail at ALL of these. ALL the time. Sometimes I get mad and happily let someone else take the blame. Sometimes I curl up with the family pet at a get together because talking in groups can be scary. Even though I fail a lot, Sometimes I feel like all I’m doing is trying. I’m neither succeeding nor failing. I’m stuck in this rut of “keep trying” when there’s nothing here to tell me if what I’m doing is right or wrong. Kind of like when a video game glitches and your character gets stuck in a corner and just keeps running in place. I feel like that some days. Honestly, I’d rather fail a few times than to keep running in place so much. Because then I’d at least have a small sense of direction about me that just might help me decide what to do next time. 

I get awfully tired of trying. I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes I just can’t figure out how to be better and running around in circles is exhausting. Heck, running is exhausting. I don’t care if I’m running triangles, squares, or to the mailbox and back. Either way, I’m gonna break a sweat. 

I guess the purpose of all this is to say that I’m not perfect. And when I still don’t get it right after trying so many times, it’s frustrating and I don’t let myself forget it so easily. And when I neither fail nor succeed after endless times of trying, I want to give up. 

It’s okay to feel those things. But I can’t let them fuel my actions if it’s only going to drive me negatively. Same goes for you if you’re feeling this way. 

I’m not really sure there even was a major purpose behind this. I just needed to ramble a bit tonight before sleeping. This was on my mind so this is what I wrote. 

I hope and pray that all of you trying triers out there will someday be trying doers. “Trying” because, let’s face it… Not EVERYONE is going to like us or if they do, they won’t like every part of us. And that’s okay. 

May your “try” become “do” and may it be a success. Or failure. 

I just hope it’s beautiful no matter what. 

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